0:00

Many of us use tools like ChatGPT every day to write emails, organize our thoughts, plan our finances, or simply ask questions we might not feel comfortable asking another person.

0:08

One of the most common concerns we hear from fathers going through a separation is pretty natural: Am I going to see my children less simply because I’m the dad?

There’s still a widespread belief that family courts naturally favor mothers, particularly when children are young. That’s not how Washington law is supposed to work.

When a court establishes a parenting plan, the gender of the parents isn’t what determines the outcome. What matters much more is the relationship you’ve already established with your children and the role you’ve played in their lives.

So, if you’re a father going through a separation, it’s useful to understand what the court will actually be looking at. You also need to understand child support because parenting time and financial support are related issues, but they don’t always work in the way people assume.

Let’s start with the biggest misconceptions.

0:50

Washington law doesn’t give mothers an automatic advantage when deciding where children should live. The courts look at the best interest of the child.

That means a father can ask for substantial residential time, including an equal schedule where the arrangement is appropriate for the child.

But being legally equal doesn’t mean the court ignores the way your family has actually operated in the past.

Suppose both parents have worked similar hours and have been equally involved in the children’s everyday care. That’s relevant. But if one parent has historically provided considerably more of the day-to-day care, that’s relevant, too.

So rather than approaching a parenting case as a battle between a mother and a father, it makes more sense to look at the parenting relationship that already exists. That’s where much of the court’s attention is going to lie.

1:35

Washington courts look closely at what’s sometimes referred to as the history of the parenting functions.

In everyday language, that means who has actually been doing the parenting: who gets the child ready for school, who deals with the doctors when they’re sick, and who drives them to baseball practice.

These ordinary things can become surprisingly important during a parenting dispute because they tell the court something about the child’s existing relationship with each parent.

This can sometimes be difficult for fathers who have taken on more of the financial provider role during the relationship. You may have been working long hours to provide for your family because that’s how you and your partner divided responsibilities.

2:11

That doesn’t mean you’re an unimportant parent. But if you’re asking for a very different parenting arrangement after separation than what you’ve had in the past, you’ll need to think realistically about how it’s going to work moving forward.

If you want the children with you during the school week, for example, how will school mornings work with your job?

The court needs to see a parenting plan that works in real life.

So the useful question isn’t simply, “What parenting time am I entitled to?”

It’s also, “What parenting arrangement can I realistically provide for my children?”

2:42

Now, the period immediately after separation can have a significant impact on what happens next.

A common scenario we sometimes see is that one parent moves out of the family home because the relationship has become tense. That may feel like the sensible thing to do at the time. You’re trying to make peace in the household or give yourself some needed space so you can show up for your children.

The problem is, what if the children remain in the home and then they only see you occasionally for several months?

By the time the court becomes involved, that temporary arrangement may have become the children’s everyday routine.

3:05

That doesn’t mean the court will automatically make it permanent, but stability matters in a parenting case.

So, the arrangement that’s actually been happening recently and has become established can become relevant if you’re thinking about moving out.

That’s completely understandable, but it’s worth considering the parenting arrangements at the time of separation.

Ideally, you want some clarity about when the children will be with each parent rather than simply assuming you’ll work it out later.

And if the two of you can’t agree, a temporary parenting plan may be necessary.

3:44

Another common question from fathers is whether having the children half the time means nobody pays child support.

Not necessarily.

Washington child support begins with both parents’ incomes and the state’s child support framework.

So, two parents can have a broadly equal residential schedule and still have a child support payment between them.

If one parent earns considerably more, for example, that income difference can still matter.

4:05

The way child support is calculated in Washington is based on the proportion of the total income of both households.

The amount of residential time can also be considered to adjust that monthly payment.

Washington courts may grant what’s known as a residential deviation, where the child spends a significant amount of time with the parent who would otherwise be paying support, but this isn’t automatic.

That’s why it’s useful to separate two ideas that often get bundled together during a divorce.

One, your relationship with your child isn’t something you buy through child support.

And two, paying child support doesn’t give you a particular amount of parenting time.

4:43

The parenting plan and the child support calculation each have their own legal frameworks that, while related, are two distinct entities.

Income can become contentious when one parent earns considerably more than the other.

Sometimes a parent is unemployed for entirely legitimate and uncontrollable reasons.

There are also cases where the court has to consider whether somebody is voluntarily unemployed or underemployed.

Washington law has rules about imputing income in appropriate circumstances.

5:08

In layman’s terms, that just means determining someone’s income when they’re below a minimum threshold or when they’ve been found to be avoiding work intentionally.

Or, to put it another way, the court can sometimes calculate support using an income figure other than what the parent is currently earning.

That doesn’t mean that the court simply decides that a stay-at-home parent should immediately be earning a particular salary, though. The circumstances matter.

For a father paying support, the important thing to know is that the calculation doesn’t necessarily stop with the number currently appearing on the other parent’s pay slip.

5:39

If there’s a genuine dispute about somebody’s earning capacity, that issue can be raised and considered as part of the child support calculation litigation.

Sometimes the problem isn’t deciding what parenting plan you want. It’s getting meaningful time with your children in the first place.

If the other parent is repeatedly preventing previously agreed-upon parenting time or appropriate contact with your children, having a formal parenting plan becomes particularly important.

6:01

Once there’s a court order, both parents have something clear to follow and, more importantly, the rule of law to make sure it happens.

It’s worth noting that high-conflict cases can become more serious when allegations of abuse or substance misuse are involved, though this will depend significantly on the circumstances.

If an allegation is made against you, don’t try to resolve it through an angry confrontation with your former partner, even if the claims are ridiculous.

Your response can become part of the case.

6:35

So, don’t say or do anything you wouldn’t want on the front page of the New York Times.

Take the allegation seriously. Get legal advice and preserve any evidence that’s relevant to what actually happened.

Depending on the circumstances, a guardian ad litem may sometimes become involved to investigate issues concerning the children.

A guardian ad litem is basically a court-appointed representative who represents the child and not the two parents.

6:51

They can look at the school and medical records, the children’s history, and observe you interacting with your children before making a recommendation to the court based on their neutral third-party findings.

These situations are much easier to deal with when the focus stays on evidence rather than escalating personal conflict between the parents.

7:17

Relocation can become a major issue when parents are already living separately.

A move across Seattle may be manageable. A move that takes the child several hours away, however, can fundamentally change how the existing parenting plan works.

Washington has a specific legal process for relocations in cases covered by the relocation statute.

There are notice requirements and a process for objecting to a proposed move.

7:38

If you receive formal notice that the other parent intends to relocate with your child, don’t ignore it.

There are firm deadlines involved for you to raise an objection.

And if you’re the parent considering relocation, don’t assume that you can simply move first and deal with the parenting plan afterwards.

I have seen courts force people to move back after they move without court sanction.

8:01

Relocation cases are very fact-specific, so you’re going to need some legal counsel to make sure you deal with this appropriately.

The existing parenting plan really does matter, as does the impact the proposed move would have on the child and their relationship with each other parent.

This is one of those areas where getting advice early can particularly make an enormous difference because unwinding a mishandled relocation case is infinitely harder than getting it right to begin with.

8:26

Parenting disputes can make people feel as though they need to defend themselves constantly.

As difficult and challenging as it is to deal with the bad-faith parent, that’s not the most productive place to put your energy.

Our recommendation is always to pay attention to the relationship you have with your children.

If you’re asking for significant parenting time, make sure you’re able to take responsibility for the ordinary parts of parenting that come with it and keep your head above the fray of name-calling.

8:49

Be equally careful about communication with your former partner.

Assume that any email or text, or anything in writing you send during an argument, could eventually be read by someone involved in the case or by the judge.

And keep the children away from adult disputes.

I know it can be tempting, especially when the children are on your side, but it never ends well.

Your kids don’t need to know what’s happening with child support or what one parent has accused the other of in court.

9:13

If you’re a father going through a separation in Washington, you don’t need to prove that fathers deserve rights. You already have them.

What you might need is a good advocate.

The law already treats parenting decisions as gender-neutral. What you need to show is the relationship you have with your children and the parenting arrangement you can provide for them going forward.

9:31

Family law is all about your children, not about you.

That’s a much stronger foundation for a parenting plan than approaching the case as a fight between mothers and fathers.

Because ultimately, the court’s focus is the same thing as yours:

What arrangement is going to work best for this family and this child?